The Potter Play Gamberie
by Keika no Kaiyou
Summary: A director comes to Hogwarts to help the students put on a play. I bite at summeries, but please Read and Reveiw! Over-reated at PG-13 for swearing, Snape going psycho, and Voldemort.


The Potter Play Gamberie  
By Keika no Kaiyou  
  
  
  
  
(N is Narrator, K is Keika, P is Potter, H is Hermione, M is Malfoy, W is Weasley, C is Crabbe, G is Goyle, S is Snape, D is Dumbledore, F is Flick, R is Hagrid, and V is Voldemort)  
  
  
N: There was great excitement at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This excitement may have been spurred by the huge poster that was the Great Hall that said "TRY OUT TODAY FOR THE FIRST ANNUAL HOGWARTS SCHOOL PLAY!!!" in ten foot tall flaming letters. That, or it was indigestion.   
  
M: So Potter are you going to try out for the play?  
  
P: I don't know.... I was thinking that I would learn to knit that day......  
  
M: Chicken!  
  
P: I'm going to not only try out for that play I'm going to get the lead!  
  
M: You're on Potter!  
  
N: So they went to the play tryouts.  
  
P: Uhhh..... What's my line?  
  
K: (Bangs head on chair) Hello, my name is Harry Potter.  
  
P: Hello.... uh.... LINE!?  
  
K: NEXT!!!!  
  
M: Hello my name is Harry Potter. I'm not popular at all and have an IQ of -567. I'm going to go jump off a cliff because I'm so unpopular and Draco is sooo cool!  
  
K: That's brilliant! You're hired!  
  
P: WHAT!? But... But... I'm Harry Potter!  
  
K: So? Draco! You're my star!  
  
M: (Sticks tongue out at Harry) Cool beans! Who am I playing?  
  
K: Harry Potter.  
  
M:....... Cool!  
  
N: And so the rehearsing began! Along with Hermione Granger playing Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley playing Crabbe, Crabbe playing Ron Weasley, Dumbledore playing Goyle, Goyle playing Dumbledore, Hagrid playing Flick, Flick playing Hagrid, and Snape playing Snape and any other character needed, the rehearsing began.  
  
M: Oh I'm Harry Potter and I'm so stupid! I'm here and are going to Hogwarts school to learn lots of stuff that I'll never use because I'm a dork!  
  
H: Oh Harry! I really do hate you, but because you look so handsome let's go and snog somewhere!  
  
S: (Walks in) ............ Potter, detention for indecent behavior!  
  
P: Woo hoo! Draco's in trouble!  
  
S: (Drags Harry off) I SAID POTTER DUMB SHIT!  
  
P: What did I do!?  
  
S: You were born.  
  
K: BRILLIANT! We can go on to opening night now!  
  
W: Already!? But... But we're not ready!  
  
K: YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
W: I'm the only one that knows the lines!  
  
K:....... You're HIRED! And don't forget that either!  
  
Opening Night  
  
V: Hmm.... Front Row center seats...... My servants must really want to suck up to me.  
  
(Random Person (Fay) walks up)  
  
F: Is this the "Who Wants to Take Over the Universe?" Convention?  
  
K: No.  
  
F: Oh. (Leaves)  
  
K: (Blinks) Now that was weird. (Looks at her audience) Oh great.... Voldemort.... Thank you Dark Lord for coming to our performance. (Pulls out tape recorder) Note to self: Get Jade to blow up England since no one except the bloody Dark Lord of glowy red eyes and icky noses came....  
  
V: What was that?  
  
K: Nothing! Enjoy the show!  
  
(Curtain Opens) (A Deserted street, Goyle and Flick are there)  
  
G: Duuuuhhhhh............ I'm Dumbledore............  
  
F: (Trips over coat) Oh dear..... Oh dear..... Hello Professor Dumbledore! I'm here with Harry Potter, the Boy-That-Lived!  
  
V: DAMN YOU POTTER!!!  
  
G: Duhhhhhhhhh............ SoooooooOOOooo?  
  
(Curtain Closes)  
(Curtain Opens)(A tiny bedroom, Draco is there)  
  
M: Damn! If only I didn't bite then I would either be dead at the hands of the fantastic Lord Voldemort who should rule all of this world and the next or be cool.  
  
(Owl flies in)  
  
M: Cool! I've been invited to attend Wizarding school! Maybe there I can learn to be cool like the most awesome of all men in this world Lord Voldemort the great! (Banners fly and music plays) All hail Lord Voldemort!!!  
  
V: I think I like this play!  
  
(Curtain Closes)  
(Curtain Opens)(Hogwarts, All cast is there)  
  
S: I am not only Professor Snape who hates you very much because you're the enemy of my great Lord Voldemort (Looks at V nervously) Did he buy that? I also hate you because I am the stupid pansy of the D.A.D.A. teacher who happens to be gay and wear a purple freaking turban! (Turns to Dumbledore) HOW COULD YOU HAVE HIRED THAT DUMMY QUIRRLE OVER ME!!!??? YOU ARE SO STUPID YOU IDIOT!!!!!!! (Storms off)  
  
D: I'm not Dumbledore I'm Goyle! (Looks thoughtful) Does that mean you quit!?  
  
M: I am so incredibly freakish! If only there were cool people to like me!  
  
C: Duhhhh................ Hi?  
  
M: Oh gasp! A fellow dork is speaking to me! This is the best moment of my life besides the brief moment that I was able to bask in Lord Voldemort's presense!  
  
H: Hello Harry Potter! I think you're a dork and I hate you because you defeated the Dark Lord who I think was the coolest dude EVER! However, because you're so cute... Let's snog!  
  
M: More!? But Hermonie we just got out of the closet five seconds before the curtain opened!  
  
H: SHUT UP MALFOY! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE POTTER, REMEMBER!?  
  
M: Oh yeah! Oh gasp! This is.... fantastic!  
  
(They leave)  
  
G: Duuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh...........Who am I again?  
  
W: You're Dumbledore.  
  
C: Duh, duh, duh.............. Who am I?  
  
W: You're Ron Weasley, the devilishly handsome redhead with the sex appeal of the dating gods!  
  
C: .............................  
  
V: ............................. SCARY!  
  
H: Don' I ge' a line?  
  
K: NO YOU IDIOT! NOW STAND THERE AND LOOK SMALL!  
  
(Everyone stands around and looks around at each other)  
  
C: Duuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?????????  
  
K: SKIP TO THE NEXT SCENE!!!  
  
(Curtain closes)(Curtain opens)  
  
M: Hermione! Ron! Because I absolutely bite in every way, Snape's trying to kill me to please the most awesome guy in the universe, Voldemort!!!!!  
  
C: (Singing) I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..... diddly dee dee.......  
  
H: Oh Harry, that's so great! Now you'll be gone forever and the great Lord Voldemort will rule us all!  
  
V: Hmmmmm..... I'm starting to think that they might be sucking up to me.......  
  
M: I know! 'Ain't it grand? Anyway, because I know Snape is trying to kill me, I'm going to get onto my broom and fly into the middle of a Quiddich match so that he can destroy me easier!  
  
H: Great idea Harry! Let's snog one last time!  
  
M: Okay! (They leave and go snog in the closet)  
  
(Curtain Closes)(Curtain Opens)  
  
M: (Runs around on stage) Oh no! I'm being thrown from my broom by Snape's curse! Whatever shall I do!?  
  
K: Where's Snape?  
  
H: Who knows?  
  
K: SNAPE, GET YOUR SLYTHERIN BEHIND INTO THIS SCENE BEFORE I HAVE TO CASTRATE YOU!  
  
S: (Walks on stage quickly wearing both his usual robes and Quirrle's ugly, purple turban)(mutters words under breath) I hope Harry Potter dies so that I can become popular in this book series! BRUHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!  
  
K: Freaky.  
  
V: Ditto.  
  
H: Oh no! My lover, Harry, is being tossed about on his broom!  
  
C: DuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHH. What are ya gonna do.......lady?  
  
H: I must set Professor Snape's robes on fire to save my true love's life! But oh gasp! Oh shock! If I do this I may anger the great Lord Voldemort!  
  
V: Damn right you will!  
  
H: Which can I choose, my heart or the coolest guy in the universe!?  
  
M: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
H: Can I really set Professor Snape's robes on fire?  
  
S: So YOU'RE the little shit that set them on fire! Those were designer robes from Transylvania, designed to make the wearer look like a bat!  
  
W: Like he needs any help.......  
  
S: Detention Crabbe....... I mean.... DETENTION WEASLEY!  
  
W: (Starts swearing under breath) Stupid play.  
  
S: Now as for you, Miss Granger........  
  
H: Uh oh.  
  
(Snape begins chasing a screaming Hermione around the stage as Malfoy falls down pretending   
that he's dead)  
  
S: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
D: Oh dear......... Not another student dead. Oh well. One less smart ass in the world.  
  
C: DUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
G: DUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
W: (Breaks down sobbing) WHY. CAN'T. I. FIND. A. DATE!!!!????  
  
P: Don't I get any lines?  
  
(Everyone looks up)  
  
E: NOOOOOOOO!  
  
P: Well, forget you! (leaves)  
  
(Snape begins to throttle Hermione)  
  
S: DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!!!!!  
  
(Hermione dies)  
  
S: YES! Finally I get to work off some agression! (Kills Flitwick, Hagrid, and Weasley) La la la! I've never felt so relaxed before!  
  
K: (Looks around) Well, at least the set's not on fire.  
  
(Set catches on fire)  
  
K: (Hangs head) My life is over.  
  
V: This play ROCKS!  
  
K: Well, thanks for the support, Mr. Scary-Eyes-And-Icky-Nose!!!!  
  
V: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!!!!!!!!????????  
  
K: YOU HEARD ME!!!!!!! (Blows up Voldemort) I'm going to get a REALLY stiff drink.  
  
M: Ooooh. Are you going to get drunk?  
  
K: Yes.  
  
M: Can I get drunk with you?  
  
K: (Thinks for a second) No. Go snog someone.  
  
M: (Shrugs) Okay. (Goes and snogs Author's little sister)  
  
N: And so the Play from HELL ended. Keika went on to produce other such memorable plays such as 'Where is my left sock?' and 'Life according to Bob, Todd, and Mary.' Harry Potter went on to become the Minister of Magic for England. Snape went on to become a psycho killer and was locked up in Muggle prison where he converses with the squirrels. Dumbledore still works at Hogwarts. Crabbe and Goyle decided to get sex changes and now they are Playboy models. Draco Malfoy is currently snogging everything that's humanoid and has lips. Fay found her convention and had lots of fun, currently she's planning to take over the world and give it to the Illuminate 'cause she thinks they're cool. This Fanfic was really about her. 


End file.
